"And even though you know your heart is breaking For a little longer still you must be whole to love the life that's given for the taking And to give the love the living's given for"

 Sometimes we are afraid of giving up our center and sacrificing the largest parts of ourselves, but at times we realize that this is the most plausible and necessary action. I have decided that part of my life must be gone and my heart must return to the vital resources it once knew. I cannot please them and I won't try.

Don't let anyone shoot down the desires of your heart because they are "uneducated and foolish". Follow your heart and do what you have to do for God and for yourself. No one has better advice for your future other than God. If He is a part of your love life and happiness, that is all that matters and you need to pursue it! Your heart belongs to God and no relationship, even family, is worth giving up the chance of true sacrificing love that can never be severed.

As of now, I officially quit the fight to win the unattainable prize. My life makes no sense to you and nor yours to me. I have to do what I have to do for me. I have to believe that God will hold me upright next to his heart. Your internal struggles leaking out have exhausted all that I am. I can no longer bare your pain or the misery of any concern regarding you or your mistakes. Please know that I will always love you and I am always here. I cannot accredit any words that have been offered by you nor abide by any of your advice that aids a vain effort. The ocean my tears and grief from you my sand, all that has injured me is drowned. I now part to the desert. Dry sand unknown to me is a fresh life that is untouched by misery. There is plenty more crying to be had but from now on, in joy. You are on your own and God is there if you need anything. True sacrifice is understood only in its immediate action put in to place. You are a burden I must purge from my life and I refuse to inflict any more of your pain on myself or the relationship with my Father who loves me. Peace be with you, Prayers are endless, I love you!

And one day faith, too, shall become obsolete

My 20th Birthday was this week. WOO HOO...not really. Birthdays have never been an exhuberantly happy time to me. I haven't had a party since I was like 12 and I get irritated when people act unrealistically nice to you just because it's your birthday. It's dumb and weird. For years after year in my youth I either spent the birthday at church camp on someone else's schedule or at home alone because mom and dad were out of town. The only thing I really look forward to on my birthday is the greetings I get from people. They may not be closest friends or strong relationships but it says something that they took 5 seconds from their day to say Happy Birthday to you.

I get a brief Happy Birthday text from mom on her way to work that morning but then I hear nothing all day. After I get off work, I call her to initiate conversation when her voice inflection clearly stated that she did not care to talk at that time. No greeting was given. Once getting back from eating dinner with my girlfriend, sister, and various other friends, my sister asks "So, did you have a good birthday?". Now me and my sister have been working on our relationship as siblings and being supportive of each other so for her to concerningly ask me this particular question really meant a lot to me. At that point I thought and immediately grew into a deep state of emotional pain when I realized that neither of parents bothered to make at least a 4 minute phone call to simply say Happy Birthday and I Love You. When I got home and checked facebook, I noticed my mom left a facebook note on my wall. I guess it serves as the same for some, but at the least, your parents should make a phone call.

Now my parents have never been the kind to be emotional, rational, or truly comforting in most situations of this matter so I wasn't really surprised but nonetheless hurt. I was 18 before my dad told me, "Son, I'm proud of you" for the first time. I remember crying like crazy out of pure excitement. My whole life, my parents have always acted like I was some burden on them because they spend their money, their time, their money, their stress, their money, --oh and did I mention their money?-- to support me. Since I started college, I rarely ask for anything because I know that if I ask for 5 dollars from them, then I get a guilt trip 2 months later because I just bought a 89 cent limeade and it wasn't necessary.

Their spending, social, and relational habits have always been a LARGE thorn in my side but I keep it quiet because it's honestly not worth another fight over. I have fought too many battles over it and I just rather ignore it and do my own thing anyway. I guess their money and their own personal wants and whims will always be loved more than the real treasures of life.

I know that they do care, sometimes, and for the most part they do love me, just perhaps, but it comes in spurts. I believe Haley Williams said it well "we've got to find other ways to make it alone, keep a straight face. And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance."

So I have a new friend. This person may not realize it themselves but our pods were separated somehow years and years ago. Who knew that today would be the day I realized I found him/her. If you think about it, you still won't know who you are. Every time I get a new song in my head or just learn a new one, it shows up on your page. Every issue you have day to day directly corresponds with the life I am living and if that's not enough, our reactions are generally identical. The one thing we don't have in common, I don't read. Oh well, I guess all friendships aren't perfect! I wish you well and I look forward to our new found friendship and all of the hidden "you know what I'm talking about" moments and inside jokes that neither one of us will know the other one gets. Well to you, My Friend, good day!